The Butterflies

The flutter is nostalgic

“You’re a emotional masochist, you love getting your heart broken.” — Best-friend

She’s right and she always knew me better than what I was willing to see myself. However, ‘Love’ isn’t quite the right word I would use. Seriously? Who ‘loves’ getting their heart broken?

Masochist do, emotional ones. The definition of a ‘Masochist’ is stated in the Oxford English Dictionary, enjoying an activity that appears to be painful or tedious and in my case emotional heartbreak.

I embrace the process of falling in and out of love. Can I truly love someone without boundaries? Depends. I do, however embrace the heartbreak, all of them. It feels comfortable and seems more fitting. As selfish as it sounds, I am happiest when in love. When I’m in love; creativity, passion and confidence exude from my pores.

Life is just better when you’re in love.

When I am in love, it’s extremely noticeable. I’ve been told I wear it well. I love being in love.

However, it’s been a while since I’ve felt ‘true love’. Aside from Akito, the German Shepard mix pup I rescued. Looking for ‘true love’ is like looking for a needle in the haystack basically, it’s an elusive unicorn.

My soul relies on connection. Especially with others who vibe on the same wavelength. That very connection is rare. There are a handful of others out there who possess the same wavelength. Having found one in a few dozen is rare but finding more than ones, that’s a pattern.

I met him during the spring of 2013. He was younger, about three years younger, talented, smart and extremely charismatic. I normally date younger, I feel more comfortable when I’m around younger people. However, his age never suited him, he always carried himself much more older, classic and sophisticated. We met through the internet, this was pre-Tinder days but the name of the site where we met escapes me.

Instantly, our conversations included; passions, hobbies, and career paths. Mental stimulation is where you’ll learn the ‘real me’ and he sparked that mental stimulation in me.

Our first date consisted of many adventures. Met at a bar in Venice Beach, Ca. In a quaint city like Venice you’re either at a Whiskey Bar or très chic cafe, both are equally of the hipster type. We attended the former and it was the better choice because whiskey runs quicker.

I remember that day clearly, as it felt longer than the actual time that we were together. When time stops like that it’s hard to forget and it was our first, how could you forget your first?

After dinner we jumped in his Jeep for a drive up the coast through the canyons of Malibu. All the great music playing through the epic loud sound system was our soundtrack of the night.

With a surprised end destination, a golf course along the shores of the Pacific Ocean, which also happened to be owned by Donald Trump. As crazy as it sounded we attempted to sneak into Donald Trump’s private beach. It was a total bust ‘too many security guards’ and also because I ultimately chickened out. In my defense, I wasn’t prepared and not wearing proper footwear. This is an receipt for disaster, I’ve seen it play out too many time in my youth.

We continued the night, headed back to his car to continue our drive. Some star signs look to music for healing and therapeutic properties, he and I both share these same placements. When liquor runs though me, I’m very alert to others especially their energy. I caught one deep stare with him and I was stuck in a daze.

Sitting there listening to him go on about some amazing adventure he’d been on. I was stuck in ‘it’, listing to someone speak with so much passion about what they do turns me on to their world they are living in their heads.

He’s a world traveler, life experienced and his stories were always interesting. I hyper focused only on him seeming more of an out of body experience. I was completely engaged with his soul.

Engage is such a perfect word for him, regardless of the setting I always see him. I sneak another glance into his eyes, it doesn’t always happen but when I do catch a glace, I get lost. The depth of his soul penetrates through his eyes. It’s quite euphoric.

I’ve always had an attraction to people with soulful eyes. When engaging in conversations with others, I make eye contact. When two eyes connect with intensity it always confirms interest. THIS, is when an emotional connection starts. Eyes are windows to the soul. I’ve connected with very few in this way but when it happens it’s a whole other experience.

2013, was a very rocky year for me, two huge life altering events happened in the short time spans of four months.

One, my then fiancé decided he longer wanted to be in a relationship. It was mid April of 2013, I woke up one morning and he was gone, left without a trace. Two, him and I were both being indicted on charges being brought towards the company that we worked for at the time.

I think most would agree, I was going through a lot in 2013. Albeit there are so many coping mechanisms out there, I eluded to denial and escapism. I should have sought out medical advice to cope but I was a hopeless soul at the time. Denial is not only a nice place to visit, it’s also a nice place to hide. This was the case and I was just looking for a solution to stop the pain.

It was seven years of trials and tribulations. Which ultimately resulted with a hit on my record, “time served” and over three years probation. It was during those seven years I would have a lot of stories to write but no one to listen or being able to hit ‘publish’.

Shortly after five months of talking, him and I went our separate ways. The real reason why we stopped talking? Honestly, it’s still a mystery to me, quite frankly what’s done was done. We had a brief encounter in March of 2015 and within a night he was out of my life again.

It’s necessary to prelude that with every love/r that has entered into my life, parted ways but has always made one more round before I sent them on their way for the last time.

First time shame on you, second time shame on me, there is no third time with me.

It’s been three years since he’s been back in my life. How did he get a third time? This is still something I can’t explain. I can, however, explain that when I’m with him it’s; fun, exciting, thought provoking, imaginative and most of all easy. When I vibe with someone so strongly, its hard to forget what it feels like but it’s also equally harder to find or replicate that vibe.